


Fuck Off, Ross

by DarkDream



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, POV Brendon Urie, POV First Person, Sexual Content, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-10-13 23:19:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10524021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkDream/pseuds/DarkDream
Summary: I freeze. The world falls apart in front of my eyes. This voice, I know it. His voice. No it's impossible. Except that when I turn on my left, he's here, looking at me with those hazel eyes I know all too well.He's changed, that's for sure. He has lost this childish look. He's more mature, more adult. And there's something wrong with him, a vicious aura that sends a shiver down my spin. And his eyes, they were so sweet. Now they're malicious. I hate this.





	1. Wedding

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, so I wanted to do a fic a bit darker and I wanted to do some Ryden. Here it goes!  
> I think this fic will be pretty long. I'll try to post chapters regularly but I can't promise.
> 
> Also, I choose not to put any warning and just a few tags because I don't want to spoil anything, but I might update it when I post new chapters.
> 
> Enjoy!

What am I doing here? I should be at home with my wife, curled up in a warm blanket, watching some Disney. But I'm stuck here, in this fucking wedding. I barely know the guy, and I've never met his wife before. Well, that's not entirely true.

He was my friend, but it was so long ago, in the early days of Panic!. He followed us on a tour, he was the guitarist of our opening band. He was nice, I think. Well, he seems to remember me a lot more then I remember him. Obviously.

His wife was a groupie at that time. Someone told me that I once fucked her after a show. I don't remember it, but she surely does. She looked at me out of the corner of her eyes during all the evening. Of course, her husband doesn't know about this story. Of course, no one is gonna tell him tonight.

The ceremony was pretty great, I have to say. Ladies were crying. Some men too. The vows weren't the most original ever, but I suppose it suit the bride and groom. They're simple people who try to look fancy. I have nothing against simple people, they're just boring.

After that, everyone came to this hall for cocktail hour. The wedding meal was decent, nothing more. Luckily, Spencer and Linda were at my table. We talked about boring things, as wedding tradition dictates. And we drank, maybe a lot, but not enough.

And now, around me, people are dancing, talking, laughing, eating, drinking, crying, dying, I fucking don't care. All I know is that they're so loud, so showy, so tacky. I can't stand them. They all try to take a piece of me, smiling like idiot or acting like we're best friend for _'oh so long'_. Fuck them, all of them.

As I stand to help myself another glass of whisky, someone puts their hand on my shoulder. I turn around and smile at my lovely wife. Damn, she's stunning.

I lean over and put my lips on hers before she can talk. It's nothing hot and passionate, I don't need that now. I just need to know she's here. She breaks the kiss and looks into my eyes, smiling brightly.

"Honey, are you okay? You've been sitting here for almost an hour now. We're kind of worried, you know. Steve would like to talk to you, and I really think you should go see him. It's his wedding, after all. Be nice."

I can't say no to those amazing big eyes. I nod. "Yes, of course. I'm just a bit tired."

She smiles fondly. I would like to be able to just hug her right there and never have to see anyone else. Never. Just her and me, in the atmosphere, stuck in time. She's my savior. All the noise and people around me are so stressful, so oppressive, but if she's there, I know things will be alright. If she wasn't there, I would already be gone. But she calms me down with just a look. I need her next to me for the rest of my life. That's why I married her. I extend my arm to grab her hand but someone is faster. 

A man in his forties lifts Sarah's hand in front of my eyes.

"Can I borrow her for a dance?" 

I stare at him, a blank look on my face. Sarah smiles and says softly. 

"Come on honey, it's just a dance."

"Yes, of course. Go on, buddy. Have fun."

I look them both disappear in the crowd. Suddenly, the reality hits me. 

The music is loud and the air heavy. The lights are bright. A couple push me as they bypass me. Someone walks on my foot. I can't see anyone anymore, everything is a blur. My hand tries to hold the chair I've been sitting on, but I found nothing but air. My hands are shaking as I pass them on my hair. My mouth is dry, my skin is melting, and everything is louder and faster and brighter.

Okay, I need a cigarette. Now. 

I rush in direction of the front door. The room is massive, I feel so small. I try to make my way between all these people, but they're like a wave. I'm just pushed and pushed further to the disco. Amazing. 

I try to escape the room, but the wall are closing in on me. I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm panicking. Yes, I'm panicking at the disco. I would be laughing if I wasn't dying, I swear. For a moment, I think about screaming, just for people to notice the little man who just tries to go outside, but this would draw attention on me, and honestly, I really don't need that now. My heartbeat is so fast, my chest might burst at any moment. I need air, my legs are shaking. I don't hear the music or the people anymore, just a white noise. And this noise pierces my eardrums, enters my brain. Where is Sarah? I need her. Right now! I don't want to break down in the middle of a ballroom at a fucking _wedding!_ A hand grabs my arm and I turn around, distraught. Oh fuck, Spencer! If I wasn't surrounded by people, I would kiss him. 

"Brendon, are you okay?"

"No, not really. Please, take me out of here."

He knows me for long enough to know I'm not kidding. He nods and helps me to get out of the disco, before leading me to the front door. He has his arms locked around me and he keeps me on my feet. I feel like I could fall at any time, but his limbs hold me in reality. I don't really know where he's taking me, my view is clouded by the water in my eyes. I hear a door opens and soon the fresh air hits my skin. Spencer leans me against the wall of the building and hands me a cigarette.

I take it and thank him. I light the cigarette and take a drag. The smoke fills my lungs and I shut my eyes in delight. Everything is quiet here. I feel my heart slow down as the panic leaves me. I open my eyes and look around. The night is calm, peaceful.

I breath out the smoke and it goes up to the sky. The air is moist and cold. Spencer has wrapped his arms around his middle.

"Are you cold?" I ask a bit worried. I would be damned if he catch a cold because of me.

"I'm fine."

The silence lands between us. It's nothing heavy and uncomfortable, but I feel like I should say something. I just don't know what. And the silence feels like cotton, a warm and comfy blanket. I really like blankets.

The silence is eventually broken by the door opening. A girl comes out and stops when she sees us. A smile cracks on her lips and she almost runs toward us. Jeez, why every girl think they can come and talk to me just because I'm famous. Leave me be, for God's sake…

"Hi Brendon! I'm Fanny. Well, we've already talked, but maybe you don't remember me…"

"Oh, yes, Fanny!" I try my best to sound genuine. "How are you? It's great to see you."

She blushes and laughs awkwardly. Please, just leave already, it's painful for everyone.

"I was looking for you. Steve asks everyone where you are, he said he barely see you all night."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. I was going to see him." A lie, but I can't say I don't want to see the groom, right?

"Well, follow me!" She smiles like it's nice of her to offer that. Exept it's not. I just calm down from a panic attack, can I have two minutes for me? I suppose I can't...

"Yes, thank you." I turn to Spencer. "Sorry, buddy, I gotta go." 

He nods. "Yes, I get it. Have fun. I'm gonna go home soon, Linda is tired."

"Of course. Tell her I say _hi_. And, thanks for earlier."

He just shrugs. That's what I like him. He's a simple man. I can fall apart in front of him, he'll always be there to help me and will never saying anything afterward. We don't need to talk to understand each other. He's the best.

I follow the girl inside and finally stand in front of Steve and his _lovely_ wife. I force a smile.

"Brendon!"

He leans and hugs me tight. Oh boy, he's so drunk. I break the hug and help him to regain his balance.

"Hi dude. Beautiful ceremony. Congratulation."

"Thanks man. I'm glad you're here."

I try a charming smile and he laughs. I'm sure he's saying something, but my eyes are caught by his wife on his left. She's undressing me with her eyes. I can't stand it any longer. If she wants to look at me when she's alone, it's her problem, but not here, not in front of her husband. Fuck, not on her wedding. Maybe she stayed a little too long with us when we were younger, because she surely is a whore. And it's a shame.

I excuse myself and turn around. After all, he won't even remember the conversation if I stay, so why should I inflict this to myself. I saw him, that's enough. Next step, I find Sarah, and we're off. I think I stayed here long enough.

Someone falls next to me. Drunk uncles are the worst. An old lady tries to talk to me. I ignore her. I finally find Sarah, but she is in the middle of a conversation. I keep my eyes on her as I wait for her to notice me. I'm in a dark corner and I'm pretty sure no one can see me. If she turns around, I'll step in the light, but right now, I must be discreet. I lean back against the wall. 

"Oh my, isn't it my dear friend?"

I freeze. The world falls apart in front of my eyes. This voice, I know it. His voice. No it's impossible. Except that when I turn on my left, he's here, looking at me with those hazel eyes I know all too well. 

He's changed, that's for sure. He has lost this childish look. He's more mature, more adult. And there's something wrong with him, a vicious aura that sends a shiver down my spin. And his eyes, they were so sweet. Now they're malicious. I hate this.

"Ross…"

"Damn, I would have expected something more casual. But if you want it that way, then you decide, Mr. Urie."

How dare he!? After all he did to me, he has the guts to talk to me like we just see each other not a week ago? The anger runs through me, fills my veins, my skin, every cells of my body. I want to kill him. My voice is deep, savage when I speak.

"Fuck off." 

"Oh Brenny Boy, that wasn't very nice of you." He takes that stupid mom's voice. Why is he doing that?

He wasn't like that before. He wasn't that defiant fuckboy before. How long it been since I last saw him? Six years? No, more. It seems like a life time. That boy is not the Ryan I once knew. I hate him. I hate him for that, I hate him for all the wrong he did to me, to Spencer, to the band. I hate him because he was supposed to be broken, a stupid alcoholic who cries every night as he thinks about all the things he missed. He was supposed to be looking at me through his Tv screen with bitterness, he was supposed to envy me, to beg me to take him back. In my dreams, he always does. I always say no.

But he's here, all dressed up, all sassiness and fake smiles. He seems so pleased with himself, I can't stand it.

I clench my fist. No, no, he doesn't even deserve it. I throw a death glare at him and step away. This isn't the right time. I've waited so long for this moment, the moment when I'll finally break him like he broke me. I dreamt of that moment for so long, and there it is. Except I'm the one taken by surprise and he's the one who's running the show. I wasn't ready. This is not fair.

But I know one thing, he doesn't deserve any respond from me. He doesn't deserve anything from me. Not anymore.

I reach Sarah in the middle of the room and grab her arm.

"Sarah, please…" I know my voice sound desperate but I am. This night is a disaster, I need to go. I can't endure it any longer, it has to come to an end.

She looks at me, surprised. "Brendon, wha-"

"Please, let's go." I ignore the people who look at me. I don't want to cause a scene, but after all, I won't see them ever again. And damn, I'm fucking Brendon Urie, if I want to cause a scene when I leave, I'll do.

Sarah sighs. She's not mad, but she's not happy. She just doesn't get it's not another of my whim. I really need to go.

"I want to go home." Okay, maybe it was a bit bossy. She look at me, unimpressed. Okay, it really was a bit bossy.

"Well, _Brendon_ , _I_ want to stay. If you want to go, take a cab. I'm not your mom."

She now turns her back to me and continues to speak to these people. Great. Well, I'll find my coat and I'll go home alone. I'm tired of this wedding. I know she's stubborn, if she decided I'll go home alone, than I'll do.

I begin my trip to find the coat's room. Some people have already left, the room is less full. At least, I will not be the first. If I'm smart enough, I could even be able to left without saying goodbye to Steve and his wife. 

I enter the room where the coats are stored. The room is dark and so is my coat. I begin to review all the coats to find the one I'm looking for when someone takes me by the shoulder and turns me around. I'm shoved against the wall and immediately the person is all over me. It takes me a second to understand. Really, it's the white dress that makes me realize. 

The bride forces her lips against mine and I feel her hand goes from my chest to my crotch. I gasp and push her away from me.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

She seems lost for a second before she tries once more to throw herself at me. I push her back again, harder. "Stop that."

She looks at me in the eyes and all I see is desperation. Pathetic.

"But Brendon, I know you want it too…"

"No, I don't. I'm married!"

She laughs lightly, but it's broken. "Well, so am I."

"That's the fucking point! You can't do that the day of your wedding! You're insane."

"Brendon, since that night I can't stop thinking about you. The things you said to me, and your body, and your smile--"

"Stop it now." My tone is harsh. 

"But I need this! Just one more time, Brendon. Just one more time and I'm out of your life."

"No," I'm as sharp as I can. She needs to understand. "And don't ever come near me again."

I leave the room quickly. I'll buy a new coat, I don't care. The more I stay here, the worst things are. And Destiny is a bitch.

"Oh Brendon, you again."

Oh yes, she really is.

I turn around and face Ryan. He still has this casual attitude, but I'm just tired now. I'm not gonna break him or beat him up, not tonight.

"Ryan, leave me alone."

"Oh boy, you called me Ryan! What do I owe this honor?"

"Please…" I don't even finish my sentence. I pitch the bridge of my nose and sigh. What is he even doing here? I mean, of course he knows the groom like I know him, but Jon isn't invited. Why _Ryan_ of all people? I really want to laugh and cry at the same time. Ridiculous, isn't it?

"Houu, seems like a bad night."

I lift my eyes to him. He's smiling. Stop smiling like that, I don't want blood on my hands. God, who am I kidding?

"Yes, it is. And you're a part of it, so please, just leave."

He laughs. "I was going to leave. I just want my coat."

"No, please don't go in this room." Now I'm begging him. What is wrong with me?

"You mean because of the crying bride in it?"

How does he know?! I guess I look surprise, because he answers my not-asked question.

"You have lipstick all around your mouth. It looks good on you, though, but I really think your wife won't approve it."

I hurry to wipe off my mouth with my sleeve. Sarah will notice it anyway, but not tonight, and right now that's all that matters. 

"Poor Alicia. You know, you shouldn't have fucked her that night. That wasn't very professional. And clever."

"Yes, thanks for the advice." I roll my eyes.

"Can I get my coat now? And I'll take this opportunity to talk to the bride, because, you know, I think her husband may be wondering where she is soon."

He enters the room without saying anything else. I really don't know what to do. I could just leave, but deep down I still hope Sarah will come find me and we'll go home together. I would really appreciate this. So I just stay here, wondering where she is right now and how I could make it to her. I know I'm a shitty husband. But hey, I least I'm not a cheater. 

Ryan comes back a few minutes later, holding two coats. He hands me one, and yes, it's my coat. I don't know how he knows that, but nothing surprise me anymore. I take it without thanking him. He's a jerk, always will be. He doesn't deserve the sound of my voice. Yeah, even _I_ don't believe that shit. 

"So tell me, Brendon. How's the band?"

"Greater than ever, I would say."

"Amazing. So who's in the band? You and..?"

I glare at him. He knows what he's doing, and he's enjoying it already. He better not going there.

"Oh yeah, right. You're alone. Well, it's not a surprise. I always knew you would end up all alone." He finishes with a beaming smile. I try to copy it as I respond.

"Yeah. But you know what people say, _better off alone than in bad company_."

"Yeah, I guess. Well it was great to see you. I hope we'll meet again soon. Say hi to Sarah, while she's still with you. It won't last, for sure."

I clench my jaws. If a look could kill, no one would ever hear of Ryan Ross again. I take all the contempt in me and put it in my words.

"You're an asshole."

Ryan smiles at me again and I turn around. I should hit him. I know I said I won't, but right know I should. But I'm not gonna do it, because he's right. Who I am kidding… Sarah is way too good for me. She'll leave me sooner or later. Even a man I haven't seen in almost ten years can see it. Fuck.

I hurry to the front door and go outside. Fuck the cab, I'll walk. I'm not that far from the city. The air is cold, and the rain is about to fall. The world could fall apart in front of me, I don't care. 

I shouldn't have come. I should have known it. Fuck, who goes to the wedding of a guy you barely know and his wife you have fucked several years ago? I should have known better. This night was a disaster; I made the bride cry, I had a panic crisis in front of Spencer, I get my wife to hate me. And the worst of all, I saw Ryan. 

I lift my eyes to the moon and release an almost hysterical laughter.

So that was it. The last time I'd ever see Ryan. The last words I'd ever tell him. It's been almost ten fucking years I dream of that moment and the last thing I'd ever tell him is _'You're an asshole'_. Perfect. That was perfect.


	2. Coffee Vs. Hangover

The sunlight lays on my skin through the window. I feel it warm my bare back. I crack open an eye slowly and the bright light burns my retina. I shut my eye tight and growl as I hide my head in the crook of my arm. Fucking sunny days. My head is pounding so hard, I swear I can hear my blood. Have I get drunk last night? Damn, sometime I hate myself…

I extent my arm to get Sarah closer to me. If I'm lucky she'll help me sleep off this hangover. But my arm falls on the mattress. The cold mattress.

I roll over and look at my side to find the bed empty. What the..? Oh fuck… I remember last night. The wedding, Sarah getting mad at me, Ryan…

I let myself fall over on my back with a whine. I really don't want to deal with that now. Maybe I could just go back to sleep and hope I'll wake up in another reality?

I sigh and throw my arm to my bedside table. I grab my phone, almost making it fall from the table, and look at the screen, narrowing my eyes to see clearly. 24 calls missed. I straighten before resting on my elbows. Oh, this is not good.

A bad feeling fills me as I unlock my phones in a hurry and see it's mostly Spencer who called me. Two calls are my mom and one is an unknown number. But why Spencer would call me twenty-one times?

I search his name in my contacts. I hope nothing wrong happened…

He picks up after the third ring.

"You asshole!"

Okay then… I stay silent, trying to understand the meaning of all of it. Yeah, I really don't get it… Before I can say anything, his voice starts again. 

"Are you okay?"

Oh damn, he's worried, his voice almost cracked. But why…

"Yeah, of course I'm okay. Are you?" 

My voice is so husky, I can't act like I haven't just woke up. And haven't drank like an alcoholic last night. 

"Why haven't you pick up your phone the _fucking twenty times_ I called you?!"

"Oh, please don't scream…" I rub my temple to fight the headache, but it's hopeless. I'm gonna have a shitty day.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," he begins in a false apologize voice, "Should I speak lower? Because I surely haven't plan to do that!" he finishes, screaming.

I jump and sigh, swearing between my gritted teeth. The son of a bitch…

"Well _Brendon_ , if you wanted me to be nice to you, maybe you should have _answered your fucking phone!_ "

Oh, my head is gonna explode. Literally.

"No, seriously, please don't scream… I'm sorry I haven't answer my phone, I turned it off at the wedding. Why were you calling? Is everything okay?"

"I wanted to know how you were feeling. Because you know, you kind of… freaked out, last night. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You know, that's what friends do."

Oh great, now I feel bad. I'm such a shitty friend.

"I'm sorry, Spencer."

I hear him sigh at the other end of the line. I can imagine him pinch the bridge of his nose. He always does.

"Yeah, I know you are. Do you know how worried I was? I imagined all the things that could have happened to you." He takes a break before going on. "Don't ever do that again."

"I promise."

I really mean it. I don't want him to panic because of me. 

"Thanks. Hey, do you want to go out?"

"Are you asking me on a date? Because I'm married, Spencer, so I really don't think that's a good idea."

I look beside me and loose my smile. I still don't know where is Sarah. I'm sure she's fine, it's not the first time she sleep out, I just don't want her to be mad at me.

"Haha, you're funny, you know that?" Oh, he loves sarcasm. "But I'm serious. I'm starving."

"I have kind of the biggest hangover of history, I'm gonna pass for this time."

"Oh yeah, you never exaggerate, that's great." What was I saying? Sarcasm is his only way of talking.

"Oh come on Spence, I'm in pain…"

"Yeah, that's why I'm proposing you coffee. Coffee is great against hangover."

I laugh lightly. "That's totally wrong, but okay, you win…"

"Of course I win. I'm picking you up in half an hour."

He hangs up before I can respond.

\--

Half an hour and a burning hot shower later, I'm opening the front door to find Spencer smiling at me. I wear my sunglasses, skinny jeans and a questionable clean t-shirt.

Spencer burst out laughing. Does he really needs to laugh that loud? I know I look like shit, thanks. 

"Dude, you weren't kidding about that hangover."

I shrug and step outside. I close the door and follow Spencer to his car. 

"I think I should drive." he says.

"I think you should shut the fuck up."

"Nice." 

He sits on the driver seat. I open the door of the backseat and lay myself on my back on the leather fabric. Spencer looks at me with a confused expression and I put my arm over my eyes. 

"Are you gonna close you door?" he asks.

I don't answer. Maybe if I stay still enough he will think I'm asleep and he'll just leave me be. He gets out of the car, sighing, and closes my door violently. My feet almost got chopped off, but I don't even flinch. My body is too tired to react. Spencer enters the car again and settles behind the steering wheel.

"Buckle up." He says in his authoritarian voice. I lift my middle finger and he rolls his eyes. Well, I can't really know if he did, but he stays silent, so I guess he did. 

The ride to the Starbucks is pretty calm and I'm grateful for this. Spencer seems to know when to shut up, finally. Good to know.  
I don't live far away from downtown and soon I'm sat around a sticky table with a Triple Espresso in front of me. Spencer have a lemonade and seriously? Spencer, a lemonade? Linda doesn't have a very good influence on him.

As soon as he sits down, he begins to speak.

"So, hard night? I mean, I was there, but I left before you, so I don't really know how you end up."

I rise my eyebrows at him and he frowns.

"I walked to my house. My legs hurt. My body _aches_ , Spencer. And my head is about to explode, and I feel like I'm gonna throw up at anytime. The sun hurts my eyes. I'm fucking _dying!_ "

"Yeah, it's called a hangover. Come on, Bren, it's not your first! I've seen you in much worse state, so stop complaining."

"That night was awful, dude. It was boring as fuck, and the ceremony was so long. And I just…"

I shake my head and sigh. I should tell him.

"How's Sarah? Linda said she looked pissed off last night," he asks mostly to change the subject. I'd be grateful if this question wasn't as bad as the last one.

"Yeah, she's… She has not came home last night. I don't know where she is."

He look at me surprised.

"And you're not worried?"

What does he want me to say? Yeah, of course I'm worried, but Sarah's not a kid. And it's not the first time she does that.  
I shrug. "She'll be back soon. She's like a cat, you know. She's independent." I make a wave with my hand to indicate it's nothing.

"If you say so."

He takes a sip of his drink and I do the same. I really should to tell him. But what would he say? Of course he's my friend, I can tell him anything and everything, but this is way more than everything. I take all the courage I have and say.

"Spencer, I… I need to tell you something."

"What's that?" He doesn't seem very surprised or curious. That's understandable. He doesn't know what's coming. But now I guess I can't step back.

"Spencer, I… I saw Ryan. At the wedding, he was there--"

"Oh yeah, me too." he states with a little shrug. I stare at him, motionless. What does he mean? How can he say that like a banality?! That's fucking huge! 

"You talked to him? Why haven't you told me?!" I almost yell. Some heads turn toward us, but I fucking don't care.

"Brendon, I don't get it… Why are you upset like that? Something happened?"

"Well, yeah, it was _ten fucking years ago_ and you were there!"

It's his turn to stare at me with wide eyes. 

"You mean you haven't talk to him since it happened?"

"Well, I haven't till last night."

I'm lost. Has he? Has he talked to Ryan since what happened? Why would he do that?

"Are you serious?" he asks. I can't believe it.

"Yeah, of course I'm fucking serious!" I shouldn't be angry at him like that, but he just basically told me that he has tea every sundays afternoon with the man I want dead. What was he thinking?!

"Dude, I'm sorry… And how did it go?"

"It wasn't… I don't know, it was.."

Right then, my phone rings. Saved by the bell. Cause yeah, I _really_ don't want to talk about last night in details. I take my phone and look at the number. Unknown. Okay… I take the call and put the phone against my ear.

"Hello?"

"Hello."

The voice sound casual, with a slight accentuation on the _o_. I frown.

"Yeah, could you be more specific?"

"About?"

I sigh. I'm really not in the mood right now.

"About why you're calling me without introduce you, for example." 

"Oh god, have you already forgotten me?"

I look at Spencer in confusion and then my caller laughs. _He_ laughs.

My eyes widen and I'm pretty sure my mouth opens. My eyes focus on nothing because right now, nothing in this room is important to me. I move the phone away from my ear quickly and I hang up. Spencer is looking at me with a worried expression. I slam down the phone onto the table without even looking at it, because that would make it so real. If I don't ever touch that phone again, if I change number, if I move away from here, then this will never have to be real.

But it's too late, isn't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this story!  
> I know this chapter is shorter and honestly I like it a bit less than the last one, but I'm working on the next one and I'll try to make it better.
> 
> Anyway, don't hesitate to leave comments or kudos if you liked it!


	3. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go!
> 
> Also, I don't think I've already told that on this fic, but English is not my first language, so if there is any weird sentence or any mistakes, please tell me in the comments.

"It was Ryan, right?"

"What?" 

"On the phone. It was Ryan?"

After the phone call, I drank my Triple Expresso as fast as I could and I just said I needed to go home. Spencer offered to drive me home, and I said no, but he insisted and he can be very persuasive and most of all, I just wanted to go home. 

So now it's been ten minutes we're in the car, and it's been ten minutes no one said anything. I was totally okay with that, really, but it seems Spencer wasn't. I can understand that he's curious after my maybe kind of odd behavior during and after that short phone conversation, but I don't want to talk about it, and I think I've been pretty clear since I _didn't_ talk about it.

Of course it was Ryan on the phone. It's all about Ryan since the wedding, and okay it was only yesterday, but from the moment I woke up, it seems my whole world turns around him. Even Spencer turns around him. Not literally, not as long as I know, but I begin to be tired by all of it. It's just a lot to deal with right now. All of a sudden, I feel like my past comes back to life and honestly, I liked it better when it was dead. 

I don't say anything. Spencer turns his head toward me but I keep my eyes on the road in front of us. He sighs and look back at the windshield. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him tapping his fingers on the wheel out of frustration. The silence is painful because I can feel his anger and it _really_ hits me.

I need to distract myself and I turn the radio on. As soon as the music fills the car, Spencer turns it off strongly. This time I look at him a bit confused but he doesn't take his eyes away from the road. He clenches his jaws before speaking in a pretty irritated tone.

"You wanted silence, you got it."

I keep my eyes on him without saying anything, in attempt to make him look back at me, but he's doesn't. He's finally the one to speak again.

"I get that you don't want to talk about it, but fuck, I'm your _friend_ , Brendon! I'm here to help you!"

"I don't want to talk about it, that's all. Leave me be."

I cross my arms and frown. What does he think? That because he's my friend he has the right to make me tell everything to him? Well, I really don't think so. He better listen to me and stop asking questions about that phone call.

He scoffs ironically and turns his head in my direction before shaking it.

"Look at you. You're such a kid. I can't believe this. I can't believe I'm still here, driving you home and taking care of you."

"I don't want to talk about it, is this _that_ hard to understand!?"

"Yeah, Brendon, because _what?_ You're afraid I'm gonna make fun of you? Is that it? Fuck!"

I don't know when we start to yell but it's only at the end of his sentence that I realize we are. I don't want to scream, I don't want to shout, I don't want to yell, I just want to get the fuck out of here. I look at the window next to me and focus on the people who are walking. The sun is bright, high in the sky and there's no cloud. My headache is killing me, but Spencer too. I turn to him.

"Pull over." I order. I'm not aggressive, but I used my _don't-fuck-with-me_ tone. Spencer looks at me, indifferent.

"I don't think so."

I throw a death glare at him and put my hand on the car door's handle but Spencer is faster. He locks the car before I can open it. I turn around to face him slowly and now I'm really wondering if I should kill him. He's acting casual, looking at the road and driving like he haven't just _lock me up_ in his car. 

"Spencer. Pull over, and let me go."

"If you talk to me, sure. Otherwise, keep wishing, honey."

I growl and begin to hit violently the door with my foot. The impact hurts my leg but I keep doing it again and again. Soon, I feel like my foot is on fire and my leg is broken. I grit my teeth and grab the handle. I push on it as strong as I can, but it doesn't do anything. In last resort, I throw myself against the door, shoulder first. At my third try, I crash against it miserably again and I just let myself rest against it. I shut my eyes and sigh, feeling the bruises already forming on my ill-treated skin. Finally, I straighten back in my seat and look at Spencer. He doesn't seems impressed at all. I pass a hand on my face and rub my eyes.

"Fine."

Spencer deigns to look me in the eyes this time. I take a breath and begin to speak.

"I saw Ryan yesterday and we talk twice. The first time, I mostly just tell him to fuck off and the second we… I don't know, he insulted me on innuendo and I insulted him out loud. But he's just… He's not like he used to be, you know? He was shy and everything, and now he's so confident."

Spencer nods, but his eyes are saying the opposite. I know he doesn't really get it and he wants me to explain. I don't think I can.

I shrug. "But you saw him too, so…" He laughs a bit, more to himself.

"No, no, I just said hi when I saw him. You know, sometime we're inviting at the same party or we're in the same club, so it wasn't very surprising to see him again. I understand what you mean, but I don't really agree. I still see the little shy awkward boy when I see him."

I raise an eyebrow at him. Are we talking about the same person? Because the Ryan I saw was _totally not_ shy or awkward or little. 

"He's just so changed…" I try to put words on what I feel, but it seems impossible.

"Yeah, he's changed, of course, but you are too. You don't have that horrible hair cut anymore, thank God."

I laugh and punch him in the arm. "Shut up." 

"I'm just saying, maybe he thinks the same about you. Especially if you insulted him."

I try to reply but the words die in my throat. I sigh and pass my hand on my face. It's so complicated. 

"He can't do that."

"Do what?" Spencer frowns a bit at me. I shrug and take a little while to respond.

"Be like that. Be here. It hurt. To see him, I mean. It really hurt."

Spencer looks at me with pitiful eyes. I shake my head and shut my eyes, because they began to burn. I hide my face in my hands and hear Spencer pull over. The car comes to a stop and an arm wraps around my shoulders. 

"It hurts--" I try to speak but my voice cracks. I lift my head and look in front of me. Anywhere but at Spencer would do. I take a deep breath and try to speak again.

"It hurts even now. I don't want to talk about this because I just want to forget all of this. I though I had done it well all these past years, even if I still dreamt to punch him in the face, but I wasn't…"

My voice cracks again and Spencer tighten his grip on me. 

"I loved him so much, Spencer…"

I can't say anything else. Tears are now falling from my eyes and down my face. There's a lump in my throat that I can't swallow. I shut my eyes and Spencer grabs me closer. I hide my face in his chest and his arms close around me tighter. He puts his chin on my head and sighs slowly. I'm sobbing, I'm gasping for air but every time I try to take a calm breath, I'm just crying out. Spencer caresses my hair like my mom and Sarah do when I'm sick. Which it's great, because right now I'm sick of life.

I try to calm down, to regain the control of my body, but I'm failing and falling and the only hold I have is Spencer. He's trying to help me as well, but what can he do? I know he's thinking the same when he speaks again.

"I'm sorry, Bren…"

\--

Spencer pulls over in the driveway carefully and the car comes to a stop. He turns to me but I can't look at him. I'm _just a bit_ tired of making a fool of myself lately.

"Bren, it's okay--"

"No it's not," I respond dryly and Spencer frowns a little, but it's not angrily, it's worried and it's killing me, "I'm sorry you have to see me like that. I'm sorry you have to be friend with me, Spencer, I really am."

He sighs and lower his head, pissed off. "Don't ever say that again."

I look down to my hands on my knees. I don't feel like being alone right now, but I feel even less like annoying my friend with my shitty behavior and my shitty problems. 

"Thank you, Spence. For the coffee."

"Anytime."

I nod and step out of the car. As I turn around to close the door and wave goodbye to him, Spencer begins to speak again.

"If you need to call me, call me. Don't hesitate even a second, okay? I'm not kidding."

I stare at him for a bit and nod slowly. I feel stupid and childish. He nods back and says goodbye. I lift my hand as he drive away and head to my house. 

As I enter the house, a smell of fresh pancakes hits me. I frown and look to the kitchen where I can see someone walking with pan in their hand, likely cooking. It's Sarah. It took me a second to recognize her, but her brown hair attached in a pony tail don't fool me for long. My heart clenches and I can't help but smile. I walk to her but she doesn't seem to hear me. I wrap my arms around her waist from behind her and she turns to me, but I don't get the kiss I was waiting for. Instead I hear a rough sound and a second later, a sharp pain spreads on my cheek. 

I step back, shocked and Sarah puts her hands on her hips, a cold expression on her face.

"What do you want?"

I stare at her but I can't think straight. I really didn't expected to be welcomed by her like that. Ever, to be honest.

"I… I just…"

"Yeah, maybe you could try with words this time?"

I put a hand on my painful cheek without really meaning to and begin to process what just happened for real. "You hit me…"

"You scared me. Haven't your mom told you not to grab women by behind, especially when they think they're alone, you freak?"

I feel just like I've been slapped again. She never talked to me in that tone, and I know her for a long time now. 

"Honey, I'm--"

"Don't Honey me!"

I stop talking and bit softly my bottom lip. She doesn't say anything so I lower my head and sighs, mostly to myself.

"I'm so sorry…" I don't know what else to say when she look at me with those icy eyes, so I just step forward and grab her waist again. She tries to push me off of her but I'm on her again right then. She lifts her hands and turns her hand on the side, not looking at me for a second. I burry my face in the crook of her neck and place a kiss on her soft skin. She sighs and I look up at her. She shakes her head and I lean carefully to put my lips on her as softly as I can. She doesn't move for a bit before she starts to kiss me back, still a bit reluctant.

I try to deepen the move of our lips and I can feel her stiffen slightly. She puts her hands on my chest and pushes me back gently.

"Okay, okay, back off," she says almost sweetly. At least there is no more anger in her voice.

I do as I'm told and make my sheepish eyes to look at her. I can see the corner of her lips turn into a little smile and I know I've done well. 

"Where were you last night? I was worried…" I try in a little voice. I know I haven't win yet and I have to act carefully.

"I don't wanna talk about last night," she says, but as my eyes narrow, she adds "I was at my friend's home. That's all you need to know."

I nod and sigh at the same time. She puts a hand on my arm and lower her head a bit. "I'm sorry I left you. I mean, you really pissed me off, and you deserve that slap," she says, pointing a finger at me, "But I shouldn't have let you down. I just wanted you to know that."

I smile sadly at her. Not sadly because I don't believe her. Sadly because I do. Sadly because she really meant that, and because I knew it even before she said it out loud. Sadly because I could do all I can to be the best man alive for her, she'd still be better than me. Sadly because I can't give her what she gives me.

She wraps her arms around me in a hug and I do the same. She lays her head on my shoulder and closes her eyes. I breath deeply into her hair, her smell entering my body like drug and I'm floating. She sighs slowly and I hope she's thinking the same. 

I pretty sure she is when she says in a low and sweet voice "I'm glad to be home."


	4. We are amazing

"Breakfast!"

I enter the kitchen, stretching my back and smile softly to my wife as she puts the bacon and eggs on the table. I sat down on the chair and the amazing smell of the food reaches me. 

"Oh my god, you're the best…" I say as I fill my plate.

She smiles and sat too. "I know."

I take the first bite and I can't stop the moan for escaping my mouth. She laughs and begins to eat too. 

"You shouldn't eat so fast. You're gonna make yourself sick."

I shrug and continue to take mouthful of the amazing food. Soon, my plate is empty and I lift sad eyes to her.

"I told you," she says with a smile, "you should have enjoy it instead of eating it like a pig."

"You call me a pig?!" I ask, putting my hand on my heart, feigning being hurt. She nods and stands up to put her arm around my shoulders.

"Oh come on, I'm kidding…" 

"That's not funny…" I turn my head to ignore her, but she takes my chin between her fingers and makes me look at her. She puts a light kiss on my lips and I smile. 

"See, you're smiling!" 

"That's just because you're cute. You're lucky to be cute, you know?"

"Yeah, I know," she says playfully as she sits on my laps. I hum as an answer and she kisses me with more conviction than before. I respond immediately, putting my hands on her waist to hold her closer. She passes a hand on my hair and tugs on it. I moan softly and she giggles. I begin to feel the boxer I'm wearing tighten and I roll my hips upward. Sarah breaks the kiss and looks at me, amused.

"Oh come on, we don't have time for this."

I whine when she stands up and takes the plates to put them on the kitchen sink.

"But why?"

"We have to get ready for tonight. Don't you remember?"

I knit my eyebrows together and concentrate. No, I really don't see… 

She sighs. "Seriously? Brendon, I've been talking about it for five days! The party at Ashlee's!"

"I don't remember… Are you sure?"

"Yeah, it's her birthday!" She sighs again and shakes her head.

"Do I really have to go?" I ask, because if it's another of those fancy party with french wine and caviar, no thanks. Party are made to get wasted, not to talk about the new Victoria's Secret collection. 

"Pete will be there."

I look at her and she rises an eyebrow. 

"Alright, I'll come."

"Great. So go dress yourself and get rid of that boner," she says, pointing a finger at the bulge in my underwear.

I tilt my head and make my puppy eyes. 

"I think I'll need help…"

She scoffs and smiles. "I assume you're not talking about getting dressed."

"Who knows…" I bit my lip and look at her from head to toe.

She puts what she had on her hands on the table and make her way to me, swinging her hips. She bends forward and puts her lips on me hungrily. She takes my hand and leads me to the bedroom without breaking the kiss.

\--

"Put on a tie."

"You're kidding, right? I never wear ties."

"Well tonight you do," she says, holding a black tie in front of my eyes. I frown but she doesn't let me complain any further and wraps the tie around my neck. I make a fake gag noise when she tighten the knot around my throat and she punches me in the arm gently.

"Stop being a kid. Ties are sexy."

"I don't need ties to be sexy," I reply with a smirk.

She rolls her eyes, still concentrate on the tie. "You weren't wrong when you said ties are for pretentious assholes."

I shrug and she steps back to look at her work. She crosses her arms and smiles, proud of herself.

"Yeah, you look great."

"You too."

She really does. She's wearing an evening black dress with a white bell that emphasizes her hips. I'm wearing a black suit with white shirt and of course the black tie. The only original thing is the little white strip on the collar of the jacket and on the edge of the sleeves. 

I can already hear all the _"oh, you look so cute together"_ , _"what a great couple"_ and other sentences from middle age women. Of course we look good together. We are both sexy as hell and madly in love. We are the relationship everyone wants to have, except we are true, not just a fantasy. We are amazing.

"Come on, we're gonna be late." Sarah takes her purse and looks around the room. She looses her smile and takes a worried expression. 

"Honey, where is the gift?"

"What gift?" 

She turns around and look at me like I'm the dumbest person ever. I nod "Ashlee's gift, of course."

"Fuck, I don't know where I put it…" 

She begins to open all the drawers of the room, she even looks under the bed and on the top on the cupboards. I look at her making a mess of the room for a few minutes before I grab her wrist and make her stop to destroy everything.

"Hey, hey, calm down. It's there, you just haven't look at the right place yet. Hey, we're gonna find it, okay?"

She takes a deep breath and nods. I smile and begin to look for the precious gift. 

After half an hour of research, I _finally_ find the gift. I have no idea how he ended under a pile of towels underneath the wash basin, but honestly I don't want to know. Now Sarah is on the edge of losing it totally, so I try to comfort her.

"Come on Babe, Ashlee don't care if we're a bit late. You're one of her friends, right?"

"You don't get it! Of course you don't care, the only thing that matter for you is yourself."

I wrap my arms around her and sigh. "I care about myself _and_ yourself. Sarah, don't worry, just go in the car and I'll be right back, okay?"

She lifts her eyes to meet mine and nods. I kiss her forehead and let her go. She takes the gift, her bag and leaves the house. 

I take my phone and check all the rooms to make sure the lights are off. I then leave the house too and close the door. As I approach the car, I see Sarah leaned against it. She has one arm wrapped around her middle and a hand over the mouth. Her eyes are closed and I realize she's crying. I run toward her and try to make her look at me.

"Babe, are you okay?"

Right then I notice the phone on her hand. Okay, it must have been Ashlee. I wipe the tears from her cheeks but she doesn't seems to want to stop crying soon. 

"Hey, it's okay. Ashlee is surely a bit stressed. I'm sure she didn't meant what she told you. We're gonna go to that party and show them there is no party without the Uries! Come on, I'm sure it's not that bad, she is ju-"

"You don't understand!" she exclaims. She then cries out even more and chokes on wet sobs. I shake my head a bit and put my hands on her shoulders.

"It's just a birthday-"

"My mom is dying!"

I look at her, mouth open, eyes wide. I must have misunderstood what she just said… It can't be true. But the more I look at her, the more I see how her eyes are puffy, how there is desperation in her almost screamed crying. The tears are running down her face like a salty rain. 

I can't say anything. I wrap my arms around her shaking frame and put her head on my shoulder. She hold me tighter as the seconds pass. I eventually manage to say something.

"I'm so sorry, Sarah."

She lets go of me and steps back a bit, taking a tissue from her bag and wiping her tears away. I look at her, bitting my bottom lip, worried. Why does it have to happen to her? Her mom isn't even old. Sarah is so close to her, I can't even imagine what she is going through right now. I step forward and put a hand on her arm.

"I'm gonna call Ashlee to tell her we're not coming, okay?"

"No! No, you have to go." She is still trying to calm down and it breaks my heart. I can't let her alone.

"No, no way! I'm staying with you, you need me right now. This is way more important than a stupid birthday party."

She shakes her head and look into my eyes. "Please, go. This was very important to me, please go there and apologize for me. I-I have to go to the hospital, my brother is already there."

"Are you kidding? I'm coming with you!"

"Honey, please… I think I need to be with my family a bit."

"But _I'm_ your family!"

"Brendon…"

"Yeah, okay, of course… I get it…"

"I love you…" She tries to smile but it's broken. 

"I love you too."

She nods and dials a number on her phone. I look at her, not knowing what to do. Do I really have to go to this stupid party when the mom of my wife is dying in a hospital bed?! That doesn't feel right. 

Sarah turns to me and puts the phone away from her ear. 

"I'm gonna take a cab. Go to the party and tell them I'm sorry. Love you."

She turns around again and begins to speak at the person she has called, but I hear she's crying again. I sigh and enter the car. I don't like it at all.

\--

The house is illuminated by giants spotlights and colorful banners are all over the places, screaming at our faces _'HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASHLEE'_. In the front yard are already lots of people and even some peacocks. The music is really loud too. This is _so_ Pete Wentz.

I make my way to the house and spot Ashlee next to the door. I give her my brightest smile and she throws her arms on me in a hug. 

"Brendon! So glad you came."

"Happy birthday, Ashlee."

I hand her the gift and she takes it with a large smile. 

"Thank you, sweety! Oh, and where is your lovely wife? It's been so long since I last saw Sarah."

"She is deeply sorry but she had to stay with her family. It's kind of an emergency."

"Oh my, I'm so sorry to hear that! Tell her she have my full support."

"I will. Thank you."

Ashlee gives me a sad smile and leads me inside the house.

"You should try and find Pete. He'll be happy to see you"

I nod and she stops by the buffet, takes a cup of champagne for herself and hands me one. I grab it and take a long sip as she continues to speak.

"If you need anything, ask me or Pete. Also, don't get to wasted, I know how you are when you're drunk, and make sure Pete doesn't drink too much as well. Oh, and you should go see Ryan too, he's looking for you."

I choke on the champagne I'm drinking. I cough so hard my eyes fill up with tears, though I manage to say a choked _"What?"_ but Ashlee is already gone. 

This can't be true. This is a nightmare, it must be! Or maybe not. After all, he has already tried to call me not a week ago. Seeing him at Ashlee's party isn't that surprising. It's just horrible, and I feel like drowning myself in one of those champagne buckets, but it's not surprising anymore.

I grab another cup and drink it bottom up before I go to the living room. The music is even louder in there and people are dancing. At least, it's not a fancy party like I though it would be. I see Pete talking to a very nice looking lady and I make my way to him. He notices me and waves his hand. I reach them and Pete hugs me with one arm.

"Man, how are you?"

I smile and shrug. "Good, I guess."

"Great, great! Oh, this is Elodie. She's french," he says with a little smirk. I roll my eyes to him and lift my hand to Elodie. She shakes it and smiles fondly. 

"Hi!"

"Bonjour." My accent is horrible, but she giggles like it's the cutest thing ever. Pete narrows a bit his eyes and I rise an eyebrow to him.

"Okay Brendon, well it was nice to see you! By the way, Ryan is looking for you," he hastens to say.

I sigh "Yes, I know. See you later, I guess?"

"Sure. Or maybe not…" he says while roaming his eyes on his new friend. I scoffs and shakes my head more to myself than to him. He'll never change.

I leave them to find something to eat, because I haven't yet and I'm starving. I reach the buffet and take one of the mini-sandwiches. Is it suppose to feed me? How much of these do I have to eat to make my stomach stops growling?

I hear someone comes near the buffet from behind me and I hope they won't stay there because I was about to eat most of the food on those tables and it would be embarrassing to do that in front of someone. But right then that person put their hands on my hips and whisper in my ear "Hello there" before to put their lips on the back of my neck. 

I turn around, shocked, and end up face-to-face with Ryan Ross. A very close face-to-face.

"Brendon? Oh," he looks genuinely surprised and steps back a bit, "I'm sorry, I though you were someone else. My bad."

I clear my throat and try to hide the flush I feel crawling to my face.

"It's… It's okay."

"But hey, I'm glad to see you! I was looking for you." He's smiling again and I realize _it's Ryan Ross_. I sigh and clench my jaws.

"Yeah, I think I got it. Why do you want to see me so much?"

"You see, last time haven't ended very well, so I really wanted to know if you were mad at me or something like that. Plus, I called you and you hang up on me. Rude, dude."

I look at him, confused, and finally release a sarcastic scoff. He rises an eyebrow and I shake my head. I almost pity him right now.

"You're pathetic, aren't you?" I ask.

He shrugs, not at all offended. "No, I don't think so."

He then grabs two beers and throws one at me. I grab it and look at it, skeptical. He rolls his eyes.

"Oh come on! Nobody here knows you hate my guts. You're gonna ruin the evening with this shitty behavior."

"Yeah, I still don't understand why nobody knows it, but…" I shrug.

"Buddy, this is a _birthday party_. Don't be a dick." He then looks outside though the window. "Look, the night is coming to an end. Truce?"

I sigh "Did you just-"

"I'm serious!"

I look up at him. His smile is still looking like a smirk, but he seems almost honest. Fuck, he's maybe right, after all. I look down and shake my head as he lifts his beer to me. I do the same and he makes the two bottles collide. 

"Then truce it is!" he exclaims happily. I can't help but smile.

"You're an-"

"Asshole, I know."

I really try to contain the smile that forms on my lips, but I can't. He looks at me, smiling even brighter.

"See, you're smiling now! You don't hate me. Sick!"

"Oh shut up," I laughs.

"So where is Sarah? Already left you down?"

I loose my smile in a second. He really has to do this, doesn't he? And I'm suppose to pretend we're friends? Fuck this. 

I put my beer back on the buffet and look at him right in the eyes, and turn around to leave. I hear him scoffs before I'm away enough. I'm sick of him making fun of me, I can't even explain how much I want to punch his innocent little angel face. Why I am the only one to see how much of a jerk he is?

I don't really look where I'm going, I just roam in the house for I can't tell how long, until I bump into someone. That person turns around and I recognize Pete. 

"Man! I was looking for you! You see, Ashlee is a fan of Panic! and she would love you and Ryan to play a song."

"Pete, I'm sorry but-"

"It's her _birthday!_ Haven't you see the banners? Come on, it'll be fun!"

I shake my head. "No. No, I'm not gonna do it. I'm sorry"

"Are you serious?"

"I'm not gonna sing with fucking Ryan Ross! Why don't you get it? Why nobody ever get it?!"

Pete frowns and I can't blame him. 

"Why are you so angry?"

"Don't ask, I swear…"

"Alright, alright. It's just, Ashlee is gonna be sad, you know."

I sigh and clench my jaws. He's just a guitarist after all, right? I can do it, I can't pretend for another hour it's all good. Right? Right.

"Okay, you know what, okay. I'll sing."

The smile on Pete's face is priceless. "Awesome!"

I follow Pete in the living room where a lot of people already are. There are also two chairs in the center of the room and Ryan is on one of them, with a guitar on his laps. Did he bring his guitar? Did he knew about that? Am I the only one who didn't knew about that? 

I go sit next to him and he looks at me. And smiles. I roll my eyes and Pete settles the microphone in front of me.

"Thanks Pete."

He nods and leaves the improvised stage. I turn to Ashlee.

"So, what do you want us to play?"

"You choose Honey, it's your birthday," adds Ryan with a wink.

She smiles and responds. "I Write Sins Not Tragedies."

Oh for fuck's sake… Really?! I'm so sick of this song. I try to look happy and I turn to Ryan and… He is really happy. Well, yes, he haven't played it a thousand times. I have, and I'm tired of this.

Ryan begins to play and I let myself sing the lyrics I know so well it isn't funny anymore.

_"Oh, well imagine,"_

Ryan plays the guitar like when we were seventeen, there is still as much passion and joy. He's so concentrate he's frowning slightly, but there's always a smile on his face. 

_"I chime in with a haven't you people ever heard of,"_

I haven't even notice we were already at the chorus. And then I hear Ryan sing along with my own voice. For a second I almost lost track. It's been so long, and it brings so much memories. Our voices are so perfect together. I smile to myself. I'm no longer bored, because it's not another stupid acoustic version of the most boring song of all time. No, it's something so old it's brand new.

I try to contain my smile even a bit, but I can't. I don't know why I feel like that, I don't even know what I feel like, and it's scaring the shit out of me, because maybe, _maybe_ I love it. 

I feel my heart beats faster, like the first time we've played this song live. I hear myself sing louder and with so much conviction. I want to feel the song, I want everybody in this room to remember this moment for ever, because for the first time in so long, it's no longer me and some musicians, no. It's me and Ryan. It's our voices and our hearts and ours fucking souls put in a song. Our song. The best song ever written and the best version ever played, because it's us. Because we are amazing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been quit a long time, I'm sorry about it. I have rewritten this chapter like five times and I'm still not completely happy with it, but I need to move on and work on the next one. I hope you liked it anyway.
> 
> As always, if there is any mistakes or others, please let me know in the comments, it would really help me.
> 
> Hope you enjoy this story so far.


	5. Holy night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I'm back! Sorry it takes so long between chapters, but I'm not gonna lie, it's not gonna get any faster.  
> Anyway, I hope you'll like this one, and don't hesitate to tell me what you think of the story so far in the comments!

"What time is it?"

"Late."

I turn my eyes toward Ryan and raise an eyebrow. His eyes meet mine and he just shrugs, mouth in thin line. My breath flies to the sky in a little cloud when I sigh, and it reminds me of the cigarette in my hand. I bring it to my lips. Ryan has already finished his own and is now watching the starless sky.

I feel weird standing here, next to my ex bandmate after all these years. This night couldn't have been stranger. If someone had told me I'll end up in the backyard of Ashlee's house, smoking with Ryan Ross, I would have laugh at their face, and yet, that's exactly what I'm doing. It's because of the alcohol, or maybe I just want to believe it is, because it's way easier to explain, then. It's easier to blame my drunk brain than to admit I like being with him.

After we finished the song, Ashlee opened her gifts and we ate cake. Pete and I went out to smoke, but he had to go back inside for whatever reason and I ended up all alone, in the cold air of the night. Or early morning, I have no idea, my phone died long ago. Ryan came outside a little while later. We began to talk, I don't even know why, it just happened. It was nice, nothing more, but nothing less either. And he turned to me, a little smile across his face.

_"You're weird, Urie."_

_"Why?"_

_"First, you hate me, then we drink and call truce, and all of a sudden, you're mad at me for no reason. And now what, we're okay again? I don't get it."_

_"Me neither."_

He looked at me and frowned, but I couldn't put my eyes on him.

_"I'm lost, you know. I want to hate you, and I do, but at the same time, I can't."_

_"Why do you have to hate me? Can't we just be friend?"_

_"No."_

_"Alright."_

We stayed silence for a long time, but I couldn't stop the voice in my head that said 'yes' over and over. Yes, we could be friend. Yes, we could let bygone be bygone. Yes, I could want this after all. I don't know what made me change my mind, but before I even knew it, my mouth opened.

_"Alright."_

He didn't get it immediately, he just sighed. I shook my head.

_"No, I mean, alright. I'll stop hating you."_

You just nodded, not even looking at me, but I could see that smile. 

_"Alright."_

And we smoked in silence. And we're still smoking in silence, and I like this silence. It's nice, and I don't hear the voice in my head anymore. I let my cigarette falls from my hand and lands on the concrete. Ryan looks at it until I move my feet to stub it out. 

"You cold?"

I shake my head. 

"I like your voice, Bren. Why aren't you talking?"

He's not even kidding, is he? It's such a weird sentence to say to a friend, but he knows it, don't he? 

"You like my voice?" I ask, even if I perfectly heard him.

"Yeah. It sounds so good when you sing. You get better at it, you know?"

I smile and he laughs. 

"Thanks God. I couldn't get worst."

"That's not true. You always were a good singer. Better than me, anyway."

"I like your voice too, Ryan."

He turns to me and smiles, as bright as the moon. I don't know when was the last time he smiled like that, but for the first time, his smile don't make me want to punch his face. I fact, I like it. It's genuine, almost innocent. 

"Why are you like that?" I didn't wanted to say it out loud, and my own voice surprises me. Ryan seems confused and his smile fades away.

"What do you mean?"

"Different. You're different. But not all the time. Not right now."

He scoffs, looking right in front of him. Oh, he don’t dare looking at me now.

"You're the one who tells me that? For real?" he says, the bitterness so clear in his voice. I turn to him and frown. 

"Yes, I'm telling you that. What is your problem, Ross?"

"See, you're doing it again." he replies, rolling his eyes and looking at his shoes again.

"Doing what? Fuck, look at me when I'm talking to you! »

He lifts his eyes and straighten, looking down at me. I put my eyes right in his, not ready to give up. If he has something to tell, he better tell me right now. I see his jaws clenches and unclenches before he speaks.

"You're so complicated! See, you're yelling again when not half an hour ago we decided to be friends. What is wrong with you?"

"What is wrong with me?" I yell, but he is too. I would hope no one can hear us, but in fact I don't care. "You're the fucking problem, Ross. I'm supposed to trust you?! After all the things you did to me?"

"What? What have I done to you?"

"Are you kidding me?! You fucking let me down! Do you even know what I've been through when you left?"

He bursts out laughing but his eyes are so full of rage. He seems like he's about to explode and kill everything around him. Good, because I feel the same.

" _I_ left you? _I_ let you down? So _I'm_ the bad guy? You were the one who wanted me to go!"

"I wasn't serious, Ryan! I loved you, can't you understand that?!"

"You think I didn't loved you? I was fucking _broken_ , Brendon, I though about killing myself more than one!"

I freeze. He never said he loved me. Not when we first went out together. Not when we first kissed. Not when we first fucked. Not when we first fought. Not once. And he wants me to be the reason of all of this? I clench my hand and I don't think anymore. I can't think, in fact. My arm extends and my fist crashes onto his jaw. 

The pain spreads in my hand and I step back, shaking it. Ryan is shocked and winces as he leads his finger on his jaws. His eyes land on me and it took me a second to understand what's happening. It's when my back hits the concrete that I realize, but it's too late ; he's all over me, blocking my legs between his thighs, and throwing his fist right into my eye. I scream and my vision blurs instantly. I try to push him back, throwing my fists all around me but never hitting him. He grabs a handful of my hair and tug on it to keeping me from moving, but I manage to free one of my leg from under him and punch him in the ribs with my foot.

I make him roll off of me and I stand up, taking a few second to regain my balance. Everything is spinning around me and I whine when the pain comes back in my eye. Ryan stands up as well and I'm shove against the wall. The air escapes my lungs and I receive another hit on my cheekbone. 

"Fuck you Ryan!" I yell as loud as I can, but my voice is lost in the loud music that still echoes from the house, even with the door closed. I feel the anger boils inside of me, I want to hit him, to break him, to destroy him. "Fuck you!"

"You think I fucking used you, don't you?" he shouts back, eyes burning with rage, "Well you're wrong! You hear me?! You're so fucking wrong!"

I scream, but it's not even words anymore. I lift my hand to hit him again but he catches my wrist and pins it next to my head. Everything is confused, my eye is like blind and barely see Ryan leans forward and crashes his lips against mine.

My body responds immediately, bitting his lips, sinking my teeth in his perfect skin. He presses his body against mine, grabbing my hair with one hand, tugging in it again. I moan against his mouth. The kiss is all teeth, saliva, tongue, blood. Hot, rough. I want to hurt him and I want him to hurt me, I want to feel him against me, I want our two body to collide and crash against each other again and again and again, until they both explode. 

I lower my hand until it's on his hip to bring him closer. He grind his hips to me and I moan shamelessly, mouth hanged open. Our breaths are loud, heavy, hot, but we just kiss and kiss and bite and lick. Everything is spinning, but this time I don't want it to stop. I push my crotch against his forceful and we both groan. His hands are all over my body, and mine are doing the same. 

But then the reality hits me hard. I don't even know what's throw me back on Earth again, but soon I realize what he's doing. What I'm doing. I push him away from me as strong as I can. He tries to come back on me, but I step on the side.

"Ryan, stop."

"Are you okay?" He sounds worried all of a sudden. I turn to him. His lips are swollen and red, his hair are a mess and his shirt is all wrinkled. I wipe my mouth with my sleeve. I’m sure I look just like him. Oh fuck.

"Brendon, I'm-"

"No, shut up!" He steps toward me but I stop him by lifting my hand. "Stay away!"

"I'm sorry…"

I shake my head and shut my eyes. Fuck, this is my fault. How could I've done that? How could I've done that to Sarah? Damn, Sarah.

I rush inside the house, leaving Ryan outside, alone. I can't see him anymore, never, he has a so bad influence on me. He's dangerous. I look out for Pete, but he's nowhere to be seen. He must be with his french girl. Fucking selfish prick, I really need him now. I must go, but more important, I have to call Sarah, to make sure she’s okay. I wish so hard that my phone wasn't dead, it will be so easier. 

I see Ashlee in the middle of the crowd and I almost run to her.

"Ashlee, please I need your phone!"

"Brendon, what happened to you? You look so-"

"Please, I really need it now!"

"Yeah, okay, here," she says, handing me her cellphone and I hurry to take it, composing Sarah's number, "But are you sure you're okay? Your eye-"

"I'm great, thank you Ashlee." I put the phone on my ear and wait. Wait for what seems an eternity, and finally her voice comes from the phone.

"Yes?"

"Sarah! It's me, Brendon! Oh my god, I'm so glad to hear you. Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm… Well no, I’m not fine, Bren…"

"I'm so sorry… Do you want me to come over? I could-"

"No, it's okay. I won't come back tonight, I'll stay with my family for now. I'll be back tomorrow, okay?"

"O-okay, yes."

"Okay. Love you."

I feel a burn behind my eyelids, and it's not from the punch. I shut my eyes and swallow the lump in my throat.

"Me too."

She hangs up, and I stay with the phone on my ear, waiting for something, anything. Nothing happen. I sigh and hand the phone back to Ashlee. 

"I'm going home. I'm really tired."

Ashlee seems genuinely disappointed, almost pouting. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I have to go."

"Is it Sarah? Is she okay?"

"Yes, she really needs me. I’m sorry."

Ashlee smiles sadly. I turn around and head to the front door. Away from that night, and away from Ryan.


	6. Alive

I try to open my eyes despite the bright light that fills the room as someone shakes me by my shoulder. 

"Honey? Honey, are you okay?" 

Through the blur of my eyes, I kind of see the features of the person in a squatting posture in front of me. Her dark hair and big eyes can’t lie.

"Sarah..," I growl with a husky voice. I feel her soft fingers draw lines on my shoulder and now that my eyes seem to cooperate better, the worried expression of her face makes his way to my brain. I frown and immediately close my eye, the pain spreading fast in my whole face. Sarah cups my cheek and makes me look at her. I try to straighten and take a few seconds to sit properly on the couch. 

I didn’t even make it to our bedroom when I came back here. Everything was too fucked up, complicated, _wrong_. So I just laid down on the couch and waited for the sleep to take all my problems away from me, even for a few hours. 

"Sweetie, what happened? You fought?"

The pain around my eye makes me remember the fight Ryan and I had before we… 

I look away from Sarah. How could I look at her after what I did? 

"Brendon, answer me, please. Are you okay?" she asks as the slowly passes her fingers on my surely black eye. My first reflex is to shift away from her touch, but I force myself to stay still. Nothing is her fault, I don’t want her to think otherwise.

"I’m okay…"

She immediately wraps her arms tightly around me. I swallow the lump that grows in my throat and lean into the hug. Her sweet smell surrounds me and calm my heavy heart for a bit. But that peaceful moment is broke when the front door opens violently, revealing Zack. 

He enters the room and spots us after a quick glance around him. His smile disappears as his eyes lean on my face and I resist the urge to roll my eyes. That would piss him off and plus, that would be painful for me. 

"Brendon! What happened?"

Sarah stands up and gives a concerned smile to Zack. 

"What are you doing here?" I ask, frowning slightly.

"I drive Sarah back. But answer my question. What have you done?" His tone is dry, challenging me to _dare_ lying to him.

"I fought with someone at the party. It was stupid, so can we speak of something else, please?"

I stand up as well, now fully awake, and try to make my way to the kitchen, but Zack grabs my arm and makes me turn away. 

"Who did it to you?"

This time I roll my eyes and wince almost instantly. I was right about it. For both consequences.

"Don’t roll your eyes to me, Urie," replies Zack, somehow threatening enough for me to know I shouldn’t make him any angrier right now.

"Someone, I don’t know. I was drunk, he was too, end of story."

I remove my arm from his grip and go straight ahead to the kitchen. I hear him follow me but I pretend he’s not here. I open the fridge and grab a bottle of milk and one of orange juice. When I close the fridge door, Zack is right behind it and I jump, almost letting go of what I have in my hands.

"Jesus…," I mutter, turning away to put the bottles on the table. 

"That’s my fault," begins Zack most to himself, "I shouldn’t have let you go alone to a party. I won’t commit the same mistake twice, you hear me?"

I frown and look at him. "What does that mean?"

"You won’t go to any party alone. I’ll come with you, you’re a target way to easy. Some people are jealous, Brendon! It’s my job to protect you-"

"That’s insane," I shout, "I’m not a kid!"

"Brendon, don’t take it like that, but if people beat you up when you go to parties, I have to-"

"It was Spencer."

Zack freezes and I internally slap myself.

"What?" he asks, confused. 

"I went to his house after the party, before I get here and we fought. It was my fault and I didn’t want you to be mad at him, so I made up a story, but nobody beat me up at the party. It was Spencer."

Zack don’t say anything for a quit long time. I look everywhere except at him. Lying shouldn’t be that easy for me, but I’m pretty happy it is right now. He finally sighs and passes a hand on his face.

"Okay, I’ll talk to him."

A hit of panic runs through me and I hurry to reply.

"No, no! It’s stupid, don’t bother him with that. Please."

I know I’m almost begging and it earns me a suspicious look, but Zack don’t say anything else. Sarah enters the kitchen right then and I thank her internally for breaking the awkward silence. She opens the fridge and takes an icepack before handing it to me. I take it and place it on my sore eye, thanking her out loud this time. She smiles, and I smile back. 

"I love you," she then says, placing a soft kiss on my cheek.

I close my eyes, and stay silence.

—

The sun goes down slowly, giving the air a golden color. The fresh wind runs though my hair. Sarah is almost asleep in my lap, her head laid on my shoulder and her beautiful eyes closed. I feel her breath slows down and that calms me. In front of us, the pool shines from the light of the sunset, little sparkles covering the surface like thousand little stars. I sigh peacefully, enjoying the quietness of the evening.

"My mom is gonna die, Brendon."

Her voice is so low I almost miss it. I look down at her, but her eyes are still closed. If I didn’t know better, I could think I imagined it. I ran my fingers through her hair in a soothing motion.

"She’s gonna die, and I can’t do anything."

I stop patting her hear and put my hand back on her hip. 

"It’s not your fault, baby. You love her and she knows it. That’s all that matters to her."

I hear Sarah sigh, her body lifting a bit, then relaxing again.

She didn’t told me what happened at the hospital. I tried to ask her, but she pretended she didn’t hear it. I know she’s not really the kind to tell her problems and goes to people when she’s not okay. I know she needs me anyway, she just doesn’t need my pity. It’s something I learn the hard way, along the years. 

"I love you, Brendon." Her voice is nothing more than a whisper, broken and weak. I take a deep breath, closing my eyes. My heart aches, an horrible pain inside my chest, where no one can reach. It’s like something’s broken inside of me, and every time I breath, the broken pieces cut the walls of my body, deeper and deeper. The blood fills my lungs, every little spaces of them and I’m drowning from my own fault.

It was just a kiss. It was just a kiss and I’m fucked up. A few seconds, just an insignificant part of my life and I can’t stop thinking about it, rewatching it in my head, reliving it. I’m not sure of anything anymore.

I swallow hard, trying to make the bitter taste in my mouth go away, but it’s still here. It taste like _him_ , like his lips, his blood and mine, sliding into our mouthes as we bit into each other, desperate and full of lust. I can feel his body over mine, crushing my chest, and every time this feeling invades me, every time I feel him all over me again, the little broken pieces in my chest cut my heart more and more.

I open my eyes again, trying to focus on the feeling of Sarah on my laps, on her calm breathing and on the golden color of the world around me. 

"Me too."

Sarah wraps her arms around my waist tightly. She presses her face onto my chest, like she always does when we’re in bed, in the morning. I know she tries to listen to my heart, she says the beat of it remind her that I love her. She says she’s afraid one day, when she’ll press her face against my chest, she’ll hear nothing. I always laugh at it, tell her she’s adorable and then kiss her. 

I feel something wet onto my shirt. I look at her and her cheeks are shining from the tears on it. Her eyes are still closed. 

After I kiss her, she always says that if my heart stops beating, that would mean I don’t love her anymore. So I smile at her, and I tell her that if my heart stops beating, I’ll die.

Something warm falls from my eye, runs down my face and crashes on my shirt, just above her head. Another follows, but the wind dries it before it fall. 

I’m afraid. I’m afraid, because I’m still alive, and I’m afraid that I shouldn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was listening to sad songs while writing this chapter. That explain a lot I guess, but still, sorry for writing such a cheesy story x)
> 
> Also, this chapter is pretty short, but I'm working on the next one and it'll be longer. Yay?


	7. The piano knows something I may know

I’m sitting behind my piano, trying to find some new sound for the next album. Usually, the hardest to find are the lyrics, but right now, I’ve got so much inside my brain that words are spread all over papier sheets. Little pieces of sentences, words or entire verses, all of my feeling showed up to the world. That’s almost only love songs, with sad vibes and sad words. Why?

But on the contrary, I can’t seem to find any rhythms or melodies. Nothing comes to my mind, and when something eventually begins to form in my head, I immediately loose it. The more I try to remember, to focus, the more it’s gone for good. Usually, all the melodies are easy to find for me, like it’s in my DNA since I’m born and it’s just waiting to be found. But now, nothing, the silence, heavy and frightening. Why?

My fingers roam on the keys, playing some random things, nothing new or even good. Old songs, little things I heard on the radio, musics from advertisements on TV. I’m so lost in my thoughts I don’t hear the door opens. 

I jump when Sarah puts her hands on my bare shoulders. I stop playing and turn my head to her. 

"Why you’d stop? That was great."

"What?"

"The song. I love Northern Downpour."

I narrow my eyes, unsure of what to say. I didn’t knew I was playing Northern Downpour, my fingers were just moving by themselves, playing what came to my mind.

"Yeah, me too," I reply, turning my attention back to the piano. "You wanted something?"

"I just wanted to see you… " she says, lowering her voice and sliding her hands on my chest. I hum as an answer and she leans, putting her lips on the junction between my shoulder and my neck. I tilt my head back, closing my eyes and melting into the feeling. She grabs my chin between her fingers and makes me turn my head toward her. She captures my lips with her own. I immediately open them for her and she slides her tongue in my mouth. 

I turn my seat around to face her and grab her waist, making her sit on my lap. The kiss is hot, full of lust, but not as desperate and violent as when I kissed Ryan. No, when _he_ kissed me. Oh my god, why am I thinking of him when my beautiful wife is sitting on my laps, sucking on my lower lip.

Right when the thought invades my head, Sarah lowers her hand and cups my already hard cock through my boxers. I moan into her mouth, still kissing her feverishly. I roll my hips upward, trying to get more friction and she backs up, smirking. 

My mouth goes wide open when she stands up and looks at me with dark eyes before dropping on her knees in front of me. 

"You don’t have to do it, you know," I hurry to say, a bit surprise by the way things turn out.

"Oh, but I want to. I want to apologize for leaving you alone at that party."

"Are you kidding? You have nothing to apologize for, Sarah! You-"

Before I can finish my sentence, she leans over and mouth my cock through the fabric of my underwear. I can’t hold back the loud moan that escapes my mouth and I roll my hips again, earning an evil look from her. She does it a second time and I whine. 

"Okay, but if you want to do it, don’t be such a tease, for fuck’s sake…"

She straightens a bit and goes to kiss me again, shoving her tongue between my lips without waiting for any kind of invitation. I almost roll my eyes, but then her hands grab the waistband of my boxers and pulls on it. I immediately lift my hips to allowed her pulling them all the way down. 

She begins to suck on my neck, leaving marks for sure. Her lips go from there to my chest, my belly and finally my hips. I resit the urge to grab her hair and force her head toward my arching cock, but I’m not that desperate. For now.

My heart fastens when her lips move very close to the tip of my length, but she just puts a light kiss right above it, on my belly. I sigh, annoyed, until my breath is cut when she _finally_ takes it into her mouth. I groan from the back of my throat, throwing my hand in her hair and tugging on it without meaning to. She moans around me and the vibration sends shiver all over my body. I open my mouth to say something, but it’s a shameless moan that escapes my lips.

I feel her smile around my cock and I hear myself babbling almost incomprehensible words. 

"So, so good, baby. Oh fuck, oh my god!"

I feel my guts twist as she relaxes her jaw and takes all of my length into her mouth, the tip of it hitting the back of her throat. I know she doesn’t really like to do it and I try to smooth my grab on her hair, not wanting to make her feel like she’s trapped. I feel her tongue slides on the underside of my cock and I can’t help but thrust. She immediately puts a hand on my hip to hold me in place and I try to contain myself from doing it again, but soon I feel the warm feeling of the orgasm builds up.

"Fuck, babe, I’m gonna- I can’t-"

She lifts her eyes to meet mine and winks, bringing the hand that ins’t on my hip to my thigh, sinking her nails into my skin. The sharp pain makes me throw my head back and I see a white flash as I come down her throat with a moan that sound more like a scream. 

She waits a bit before standing up and kissing me. I taste my own cum on her tongue and I smile against her lips. 

"Thanks, babe." I manage to say, even if I still feel a bit off from my orgasm. 

"You’re welcome," she replies with another wink and an incredible smile. 

I stand to grab her wrist and pull her closer to me. My knees are still weak from all the pleasure I just had and my balance is kind of unsure. She laughs kindly at me and I give her the same evil smile she gave me earlier. I place my hands on her hips and push her against the piano. She crashes her hands on the keys to prevent herself from falling and the piano makes an horrible dramatic sound. We both burst out laughing while she wraps her arms around my neck. I kiss her softly, smiling. 

"I think I should return you the favor," I whisper in her ear, "You know, for my karma."

She laughs and kisses me again as I slid my hand between her legs. She opens them instantly, allowing me to go further and whines out of pleasure when I push into her with two fingers. Her head falls on my shoulder and I smirk.

Right when I begin to move my digits, making her moan loudly, my phone rings. 

She lifts her head and meets my eyes. I look at her, weighing up the pros and cons. 

"I should answer."

She sighs, but nods. I pull my fingers out and kiss her for good measure before I grab my phone on the top of the piano and answer without even looking at the screen. Whoever this person is, they broke the magic of the moment, so they better at least have something important to say.

"Yeah?"

"You’re a joke, Urie, an enormous joke."

"Sure, whatever," I sigh, because seriously? "Who is this?"

"The person who beat you up. Have you already forgot?"

I stop moving as a wave of contradictory feelings crashes on me. Why would he call me after what happened? And why would he be mad? He’s the one who kissed me and I’m the one who’s married! Is it because I left him at the party, in the backyard? What was he thinking, that I was gonna follow him at his apartment? What a jerk! And _I’m_ the joke?

"It’s Spencer, dumbass."

I stay silent for a few seconds, just long enough for my body to cooperate again, and my heart to calm down. Of course it’s Spencer, how could I even think Ryan would called me? 

"Y-yeah, Spence, of course!"

Oh fuck, Spencer… _Now_ I remember that I may have tell Zack he beat me up… And of course, Zack never listen to me, so he went to talk to him. Everything makes sense now. I’m fucked, but it makes sense.

"I think we need to talk," his voice echoes from the phone. I close my eyes and swallow.

"Yeah, yeah, sure. I’m listening."

"Oh no, you’re not gonna get away like that, Urie. I’m waiting for you at my house."

"At your house?!" That’s not a good idea. _At all_. "You’re sure you don’t prefer another place? Like a public place, with witnesses?"

"You have thirty minutes. I wouldn’t be late if I were you."

And with that, he hangs up. I sigh and put my phone back on the piano. I turn around to tell Sarah I have to go, but she’s already gone.

—

I knock at Spencer’s door with a dozen donuts and twenty minutes late. The door opens and reveals Linda with an unimpressed expression which changes into a smirk when she sees my bruised face. 

"Spence, the karate kid is here!"

She turns around, laughing and I follow her inside, not saying anything. Spencer appears from the kitchen door and bursts out laughing when his eyes lay on me. I sigh. This is gonna be a long afternoon.

"My god, but you really got into a fight!" Spencer manages to say when his laughing finally fade away.

"Yes, Spencer, I really got into a fight. And before you start laughing again, I brought you donuts." I say, forcing the box onto his hands. He takes it and goes to the kitchen.

Linda gives me a last amused smile and takes her purse.

"I have to go, sadly. It was a pleasure to see you like that, Bren. Anyway, have fun and don’t fight." She makes her way toward the door and opens it, before turning around to add "Again." She then closes the door behind her and leaves me alone with her husband and his mocking laughs.

Speaking of the devil, Spencer is resting against the door frame of the kitchen, a unreadable smile across the face. 

"Listen," I begin, but as soon as I open my mouth, Spencer points the kitchen and says, "You want something to drink?"

"Y-yeah, sure" I stutter, a little startled. He nods and goes into the kitchen. From there, I hear him yelling at me "Make yourself at home! You can wait in the living room."

I frown as I make my wait to the bright room. This is _not_ was I was expecting from him. I’ve seen him annoyed more than one, and he’s usually not that calm and polite. I don’t like it, though…

I sit on the leather sofa and look around. It’s not like it’s the first time I come here, but I’m always amused by his house. Everyone could tell that Spencer haven’t been the one who handled the decoration ; everything is so girly, it’s almost funny. There are of course picture hanged on the walls. Their wedding, their old dog who died a few months ago, just them kissing or holding hands, always smiling. And a photo of Panic!. 

I stand and approach the picture in the golden frame slowly, like I would do with a wild animal who could run away at anytime. This photo is really old, maybe 2007. There’s the four of us, Jon, Spencer, me and Ryan. We’re all smiling at the camera, beers in hands.

This isn’t an official picture or anything ever release to the public. It was took at a party, from what I can see, but I don’t remember it. I guess I was too drunk. It’s a piece of our life, our real life, not the one we showed to the press and to the fans. Jon and Spencer are laughing and there’s some chick behind them, but that’s not what catches my attention. 

In fact, this photo must be from 2008 or something like that. I have my arm hooked around Ryan waist and his own hand is clenched on my shirt. Now that I look closely, Ryan isn’t looking at the camera, he’s looking at me. He wasn’t smiling for the photo. 

As for me, I’m directly looking in front of me, but my head is slightly tilted to him. He’s saying something to me, I’m sure of that. So I wasn’t smiling for the photo either. 

Someone clear their throat and I turn my head in the direction of the sound. Spencer is looking at me, an eyebrow raised. I feel myself flush and I hurry to sit back where I was a few minutes earlier. I silently thank Spencer for not asking more questions and I take the glass he’s heading me. 

"Thanks."

I lift the glass to my nose after looking at the amber liquid. Beer, of course. Spencer extends his arm to collide his glass against mine. I narrow my eyes, still suspicious. He brings his glass to his mouth, so I do the same and take a sip. As soon as the drink touch my tongue, I chocked. I swallow hastily to get it out of my tongue. The taste is _awful_.

"What’s this?!" I ask, frowning.

"Keystone." 

"Dude, I _hate_ Keystone!" I reply, outraged.

"I know," he just says, a little smirk playing on his lips. Of course he knows.

I sigh and put my glass on the coffee table between us. Spencer takes all his time to drink his beer, which isn’t Keystone for sure. I roll my eyes, because seriously, who drink their beer _that_ slow?

"Why did you asked me to come? I’m pretty sure it’s not only to give me shitty beer and make me watch you drink yours."

Spencer nods and puts his glass next to mine. "Zack came to see me yesterday. Oh, well, it was more like Zack kicked my door open and yelled at me for like 5 minutes about beating you up and how you were such a fragile boy that needed to be protected, and then he disappeared. I though it was some kind of joke, but it seems like you really took a fist onto your pretty face. What happened?"

"You know, I’m tired of people asking me what happened. This doesn’t concern anyone but me!"

"Yeah, I guess it’s true, but since you said to everyone I was the one who did it, maybe I deserve some explanation from you, don’t you think?"

I sigh. "Yeah…"

Spencer crosses his arms and looks at me intensively. I shift, uncomfortable. I’m not ready to gave it all to him, but how much am I ready to confess? I don’t even know what I’m supposed to confess because I’m not even sure what happened. 

"First of all, I’m sorry I told everyone you were the one who punched me."

Spencer laughs and I look at him, confused. 

"Dude, it’s okay, don’t worry. I’m just concerned about you, but to be honest, if you think about it, you’re the loser in your story. I mean, we fought and you’re the only one who have a black eye and bruises? Nobody is gonna make fun of me about it, buddy. But everyone think you’re a victim, so-"

"I get it, thank you Spencer."

He just smiles even brighter and I shake my head.

"Can we get back to the story, please?" I ask, annoyed.

"Sure, go on."

"So I was at this party, the one for Ashlee’s birthday. There was… There was Ryan."

I’m looking at my shoes, but I see out of the corner of my eyes the expression on Spencer’s face changes. His eyes widen and I can see he’s bitting his lip anxiously.

"He… We fought."

"Dude, I’m sorry, I didn’t know…"

"Come on, Spence, it’s not your fault."

"What happened next?" he asks after a quick break.

I know I have his full attention. I know he believes me, and he’ll believe me whatever I say. I can trust him, he never told any secret I told him among the years. But I’ve never had a secret that heavy on my shoulder. I don’t want to make him deal with it like I do, it’s just too much. 

"Nothing."

I lift my eyes to meet his, to emphasize what I’m saying.

"I left. Nothing else happened. I didn’t tell people the real story because nobody has to know that. I want Ryan out of my life and the best way to make that happen is to live my life like nothing happened, because really, nothing happened."

Spencer stays silent, mouth opened. I swallow hard and look down again. I’m playing with the rings on my fingers to calm me and my foot is tapping a rhythm on the floor. 

"Are you okay?"

His question remains outstanding, cover by the silence of the room. I clear my throat. If I don’t answer, it just makes things worst.

"Yes."

"Okay. Wow, I’m… Listen, Brendon, I’m truly-"

"No, please, don’t say you’re sorry. Just don’t."

I can’t stand pity from people right now, because I don’t fucking deserve it. I’m an horrible person and nobody seems to notice it. It makes me sick. I should tell Spencer, I should tell him that I kissed Ryan and that I liked it. Because I liked it, and every time I close my eyes, I see him again in the moonlight, and I just want to kiss him again. I’m fucked up. I just want someone to yell at me, to call me a freak, a monster, to tell me I don’t deserve Sarah. And god knows I don’t fucking deserve her.

"Do you want me to talk to him?"

Spencer’s voice gets me out of my thoughts, back in reality. Reality hurts too much lately.

"No, that’s not a good idea."

"You sure? He’s my friend too, maybe I could-"

"I said no." My tone is icily, more than I meant it to be.

"Alright."

My phone buzzes in my pocket. I look at it, pretty happy I have something else to focus on than the heavy silence that have laid on us, but it’s a message from a unknown number. I frown.

 

_unknown number : hey there_

 

A second message appears two seconds after the first, and my heart misses a beat.

 

_unknown number : it’s Ryan_

_unknown number : you know, the handsome dude you kissed at that party_

 

I clench my jaw, but my body betrays me. My heart beats faster than usual and I don’t like it.

Spencer breaks the silence.  "Who’s this?"

"It’s Sarah."

Why am I lying? I haven’t done anything wrong here, Ryan is texting me, not the other way around.

 

_**Yeah, i know who you are.** _

_unknown number : of course you do_

 

I force myself not to smile and roll my eyes at the same time. I hate that fucking bastard. Right?

 

_unknown number : hey, you want to hang out?_

 

That is a bad idea. It simply can’t end well, and I’m sure he knows it too. 

 

_unknown number : as bros, calm down_

 

I can’t go out with him, that is so stupid. He’s a jerk. What was I thinking? I have a beautiful wife, incredible friends, a successful band, a tone of money, what was I gonna do with _Ryan Ross?_ All of the hesitation, it was just a phase. I love Sarah, I hate Ryan. As simple as that. Life is simple, after all, what do I want to complicate it like that? The answer is so simple, so clear. But my stomach flutters and I feel that little rush of adrenaline runs through my body.

 

_**Sure, why not?** _


End file.
